Mar 27, 2015

Giving Advice with Love

I have been thinking about advice a lot lately. I wrote about how to consider this advice when in the role of writer earlier this week. Part of this subject being so prevalent is due to what is happening in my classroom - seniors have two months until they graduate, the juniors are realizing what one more year of high school means and each of these groups tell me all the advice they get - and often the lack of value they see.

"Go to this school..."
"Major in ..."
"By this age, you should..."

And after each statement, they offer the reason the advisor made the suggestion - it was what they had done.

I think we all have great intentions when we give our own advice - we see someone who wants help, who we think needs help, and we offer a variation of what worked for us. Often, though, we forget the people we are talking to aren't us. This occurs in marriage advice, parenting advice, cleaning advice, reading advice.

The important thing is to remember that the person offering advice is usually doing it out of love and concern, that they want to see us happy.

But more than that, we need to consider why we are giving advice as well. Are we doing it to show how smart we are, to prove that we can accomplish a thing, or is the intent to help someone? If we are trying to help, have we taken the time to truly listen first?

Helping others is noble, as long as we are doing it for the right reasons.

Mar 26, 2015

Women's Fiction Spotlight: The One That Got Away

I had the opportunity to read Bethany Chase's new book THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY and am thrilled to be part of her  share a review with you. 

Here's the synopsis from Goodreads: 
Sarina Mahler thinks she has her life all nailed down: a growing architecture practice in Austin, Texas, and an any-day-now proposal from her loving boyfriend, Noah. She’s well on her way to having the family she’s hoped for since her mother’s death ten years ago. But with Noah on a temporary assignment abroad and retired Olympic swimmer — and former flame — Eamon Roy back in town asking her to renovate his new fixer-upper, Sarina’s life takes an unexpected turn. 
Eamon proves to be Sarina’s dream client, someone who instinctively trusts every one of her choices — and Sarina is reminded of all the reasons she was first drawn to him back in the day. Suddenly her carefully planned future with Noah seems a little less than perfect. And when tragedy strikes, Sarina is left reeling. With her world completely upended, she is forced to question what she truly wants in life — and in love.
Now, I have to throw this out. I was a little thrown at first with the initial tone. I liked the characters, there is a hilarious banter as friends are preparing for a wedding, but based on the title and the description, I was expecting a tone that was a little more somber.

However, it didn't take me long to be pulled into the story, enjoying the way the relationship between Sarina and her roommate, old flame and boyfriend all unfolded. I groaned with her during the interactions she has with the couple who will be her in-laws, and appreciated her uncertainty when Eamon showed up.

But beyond that, I felt for Sarina. As the story progressed, I longed to sit beside her, listen to her think out loud. Chase did a superb job of making Sarina's decisions realistic because of their difficulty, and the pacing and tension were precise.

And honestly, I loved it.

Mar 18, 2015

Women's Fiction Wednesday: The Dress Shop of Dreams

Okay, first of all, I was totally drawn to The Dress Shop of Dreams by the cover. Seriously, this is stunning. 

Then I read the description (from Goodreads):

Since her parents’ mysterious deaths many years ago, scientist Cora Sparks has spent her days in the safety of her university lab or at her grandmother Etta’s dress shop. Tucked away on a winding Cambridge street, Etta’s charming tiny store appears quite ordinary to passersby, but the colorfully vibrant racks of beaded silks, delicate laces, and jewel-toned velvets hold bewitching secrets: With just a few stitches from Etta’s needle, these gorgeous gowns have the power to free a woman’s deepest desires.
Etta’s dearest wish is to work her magic on her granddaughter. Cora’s studious, unromantic eye has overlooked Walt, the shy bookseller who has been in love with her forever. Determined not to allow Cora to miss her chance at happiness, Etta sews a tiny stitch into Walt’s collar, hoping to give him the courage to confess his feelings to Cora. But magic spells—like true love—can go awry. After Walt is spurred into action, Etta realizes she’s set in motion a series of astonishing events that will transform Cora’s life in extraordinary and unexpected ways.
But the real love started when I read it. There is intelligence, intrigue, characters with nuances they both love and don't, histories they both love and don't, and before long, I was hoping for outcomes, and sighing at my disappointments when things didn't work out, all the while trying to figure out the underlying mystery that launched so many interactions into play. I adored the descriptions, the writing is lush but still fanciful, and I will definitely read Menna Van Praag again and again.

Mar 16, 2015

On Having it All

My goal this year has been to find better balance. Where last year was the time of cutting unnecessary elements from my life, cutting out that which took me away from what I wanted most, this year has been figuring out how to give the appropriate time to the things I have determined to be of value. 

Have you ever tried to do this? 

It is very hard.

I've been thinking about this a great deal. There is the tendency to list all the things that I do to prove how busy I am, but I'm trying really hard not to glorify busyness because that line of thinking tends to make me make excuses for not getting things done in the timeline I intended. But I have come up with a few tips to keep me a little closer to balanced.

1. What is the cost and what is the benefit.

For everything. Going to a child's musical performance? Costs me a hour or so of my time, benefits the relationship I have with my child and gives us the chance to celebrate their progress together. 

Watching an episode of Scandal during quiet time at my house? Costs me an hour or so of my time, benefits me nothing (really). There are times when fatigue won't allow for writing and then I can justify it, but outside of that? Not really justifiable. 

Watching an episode of M*A*S*H with my husband? Costs me a half hour (though we usually watch two, so an hour or so), benefits me spending time with my husband and he loves to watch a show with me.

2. What do I want 3, 6 and 12 months from today?

Yes, we are supposed to live in the moment, but that moment has to have the self-awareness to realize it is fleeting and others will be coming. In the moment, it is easy to justify away our conviction, to have moments of vulnerability that could set us on a detour that leads away from our goals. 

It's easy to sit down at the end of long day and justifiably be "too tired to write" or to skip the gym in the morning for similar reasons (don't worry, I've only been consistent for a week - work in progress). 

But I hate living with regret, of looking at what could have been had I only...

Baby steps - with all their wobbling and uncertainty - are better than no steps. 

3. Don't let one bad day derail the next.

Hi, I'm mortal. I have bad days - in writing, time management, diet, and enthusiasm. But just as a candy bar doesn't ruin a diet, neither does one not quite focused decision have to toss out the entire day. Or the one after. And saying, "I'll start again Monday," moves us away from our dreams. There are days when my kids activities totally govern time spent (hello upcoming dance competitions). They are part of my future, my dreams, my goals and that needs to happen. And there are days when they need to take the back burner to intense writing time. But balance only happens when the distribution rotates through all the things I have deemed most important. And even that might change. Checks and balances are not just a theory for our governmental structure - they are essential for us to have the lives of providing and self-satisfaction as well. 

Feb 9, 2015

Get A Team

We all have dreams. We all have things we'd like to see happen, whether it be to lose weight, get a promotion, raise polite children, have a loving marriage.

I see these dreams a little differently in my day job. Working with high schoolers, I interact with students who are on the cusp of what we like to call "real life". They are wondering about their future, how they got here so quickly, what the next year, five years or decade will hold.

I think we can learn a lot from teens. Things we might have known once, but then forgot. One of the greatest indicators of a student's success in high school is their affiliations. Friends make a huge impact, which is why this time is difficult for many - they are starting to realize what they want and what their life long friends have wanted aren't aligning, and decisions have to be made.

But, in the end, what happens to them can be very VERY closely anticipated based on the structure of their support team. For them, parents are influential (even if they don't want to admit it), but so are coaches and teachers and friends and teammates.

Something happens for many people when we enter adulthood. We forget the importance of the team. We turn to self-help books, read articles, expand our knowledge base, but often discard the closeness and friendship of being part of a team. In the land of social media, we have more and more "friends" but fewer and fewer deep connections.

I was reminded of this last night, when conversing with someone who I consider a dear friend though our actual time spent in a physical room together might equal 10 hours, and that's being generous. She and I are chasing similar dreams though our paths to our "You are Here" sticker were different. We shot emails back and forth for a while, spilling our souls a little and remembering the connection we held. And this morning, I awoke inspired and motivated to keep chasing that dream.

And that's just it. We have these people all around us (whether physically or electronically) who know what we are dealing with. Sure, it can seem weird to share a little bit of our souls with someone we've never met, but when a connection takes, when conversations strike a chord in our hearts, the vulnerability that made us pause becomes very very worth it. In turn, we get the chance to see how our value meant something to someone else.

When a team is solid and dedicated, everyone involved becomes better, and a little closer to our dreams.